Six reasons why bringing back the Latin Mass is a bad idea.

1. No-one can speak Latin.

2. Priests can't actually speak Latin, and are probably just mumbling to themselves.

3. It's racist.

4. Women spend so much money on their hair nowadays, it'd be a shame for them to have to cover it up at Mass.

5. 'Corpus Christi.'
— 'Ye fuckin' wha'?'

Shauna and the Irony of a Same-Sex Relationship.

[Dear readers of Bram, this is a trial. This post is un-Bram. Testing testing. Thank you for your patience. Yours faithffully, Willie.]

They say we should learn from our mistakes. I sure did.

My name is Shauna and I'm a real-life lesbian. I say "real-life" for a reason. These days it's necessary. Since lesbianism became popular as a result of reality television (and girls' desire to look sexy in front of heterosexual men--attention-seeking whores) the once quite set lines of sexuality have become like a February morning--hazy.

This is the background to my tragedy. In short, I met a girl and fell in love with her. As my feelings for her continued to grow I learned that she wasn't a lesbian at all. She had a long-term boyfriend that had gone to Germany to study. Stuttgart to be precise.

I was drinking alone in a city centre pub one night when I met Janice my ex-(fake) girlfriend. She was out with her friends from work. It was a girls night out and they were drunk. They were guzzling vodka so I presumed they were straight until Janice came to talk to me. After asking my name she kissed me with much passion and tongue. Admittedly I did think it odd that she kept looking back at her friends who were laughing heartily. But that wasn't important then. Real female contact made me feel alive.

We started "dating" which consisted of going out with her friends to clubs, lots of passionate kissing and erotic dancing that attracted considerable attention. Of course I thought this was for me when it was really for the the six-foot hunk in the corner. This continued for a month or so until I felt so strongly for Janice that I told her I loved her. She laughed, ordered a bottle of Bacardi Breezer and started feeling up the next guy at the bar of the club we were in.

My mistake was, of course, trusting another woman. After my experience with Janice, I travelled a bit. I saw most of Australia. You could say I learned a lot and learned something directly from Janice. I'm now married to Matt and we live happily with our three children (two girls and one boy) in West Sussex.

Funny how things work out, huh?

Dinnertime in Heaven.

"Jay-sis!?"

"Wha'?"

"That's enough of that attitude with me Jay-sis! Did you answer your prayers today?"

"Go away, I'll did it after dinner."

"That's what you said yesterday and 400 people down there died from that disease that was killing all those chickens. St. Peter was down my neck last night about all the paper-work he has to do for new admissions. He had to stay back until seven o'clock, he did. I had to tell him you were planning an apparition somewhere. I can't keep making up excuses for you."

"Ah, fine, I'll do the prayers now."

(St. Anthony arrives at Mary's door. Knocking within.)

"Hello, Mary."

"Afternoon, Tony."

"I was wondering if you'd have a word with the Lord for me on behalf of a friend of mine. It's Joe in Balbriggin; he's lost his keys again. He's a good man and helps charities as much as he can."

"Ah, fuck, this is the third time he's after losing them in a month! Is is blind or what!?"

"Eh, he is actually. Fully blind. From birth too. Poor soul."

"Ah, Jay-sis."

(voice coming from living-room) "Wha'?"

(calling into the living-room) "I'll be into you in a minute. (to St. Anthony with a sigh) I'll see what I can do. The world is full of down-and-outs these days, Tony. That leads to a lot of prayers, you see. It's bleedin' overload at the moment. There's talk of privatisation going around. Keep your ear to the ground."

"O, I will, Mary. Thank you and God bless you."

[Aside] "I'm bloody well missing Cash in the Attic with all these saints."

A group of holy auld ones visit Mary. (knocking within)

"Hello" (answering the door, Mary sees a crowd of holy, kneeling, praying auld ones on the doorstep).

"Good day to you, the holiest woman, the mother of God and the commander-in-chief of our Legion."

"Oh, it's youz."

"Yes, Mother. We are here to pray to you to use your intercession to pray to God for the well-being of a nun in Buenos Aires. She's got a bad dose of whooping cough."

"Oh, in the name of the earth and all its plants and the like. All yez do is come and ask me for to use my connection with the big man. Intercession this, we ask for your intercession that. Yez are a bleedin' legion by name and my legion at that. I want some action. Instead of leaving that woman in bed and praying to me by her near to be death-bed, bring her to see the shaggin' doctor. He only lives next door. He'll give her some Calpol and she'll be grand by tea-time. The next time you find yourself picking up your rosary beads, think, "what can I do to help this situation without the intercession of the Virgin Mary?"

"Mary you are both kind and wise aswell as being the virgin mother of our Lord Jesus Christ. We will do as you say and take up arms the next time there's bad trouble in the Holy Land instead of asking for your intercession that someone else shoot all those bold children on the streets. Okay ladies, ready, 1, 2 and three. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord......."

(Mary slams the door and returns to the kitchen and leans wearily on the back of the closed door.)

"It sucks being the only person in heaven with a body."

Tom Lehrer Fail.