As part of Fine Gael's magnificent several-point-plan to Get Ireland Working, a new national industry has been created, through which many millions will be pleasured.
Every home in Ireland will shortly receive a new dildo, hand-made from peat from genuine Irish bog. The dildos have been made lovingly in Co. Clare by a lady in a shawl who looks like Peig Sayers. Each dildo comes emblazoned with a pencil-drawn image of Hibernia, in the guise of that very famous American, Lady Lavatory, who used be on the pound notes.
The stated purpose of these dildos is to take pressure off the government: now everyone can fuck themselves to save the government having to do it. As a result of this cleverness, taxpayers' money will be saved in droves and rediverted to such useful purposes as RTÉ comedy, filling up cracks in roads in and around Rathfarnham, Dublin Fourteen, deporting refugees, and not looking after homeless people.
A launch event for this new scheme will take place in Collins Barracks hosted by Gay Byrne, who is still not dead. There will be (quite literally) one for everyone in the audience.
