WAIT A MINUTE...!

The last time we left gallant Mr(s). Henderson we had just been confronted with the shock revelation that s/he was actually Jeremy, the long-lost lover of the gay guy (as in the gay guy and straight guy). Confused? I wouldn't blame you.

So in true sonata-allegro style, let us have a brief recapitulation, which I promise will be nothing more than a condensed and tonally modified repeat of the exposition.

Somewhere along the way we learned of Mr(s). Henderson's roots. She was the bastard child of a prostitute who worked in Mrs. Kelly's Olde Knockin' Shoppe and who was killed in the Battle of Monto, 1925. The Legion of Mary exacted holy retribution on the poor little child by cutting off his (yes, his) mickey with the Holy Knife of Padre Pio and sending him/her into the care of the Magdalene Sisters. S/he eventually discovered how she was different when one of the evil nuns waz just abou' to wash her gee an' seen she hadn't even go' wan, an' it looked like she used to have a mickey.

So there we are. We do not know what happened between this incident somewhere around 1930 and the present day, which is somewhere in time between 1970 and 1998 (we just haven't decided yet).

We were first told that Mr(s). Henderson was a manwoman, but not a womanman. Therefore we can assume that s/he is more of a man, even though s/he appears to consider him/herself as a woman. S/he starred in that terrible adaptation of Roger Rabbit which flopped on Broadway, and then moved to Ballymena and worked as a tailor(ess) for J. Asha's sweatshop. S/he tried to get married to Jim Bartley who used to be Bela in Fair City, but it didn't work because the Nordy laws wouldn't allow it for all sorts of complicated reasons.

When this failed to work out, Mr(s). Henderson began roaming the plains of North America searching for something called Love, with the help of his/her beaver friend Anne Gyna. Somehow whilst floating along the Miss'hippy Mr(s). Henderson and Anne Gyna came upon a luminous pink castle which just so happened to be inhabited by Rufus Wainwright, who took a rather homosexual shine to our hero(ine) Mr(s). Henderson. As the painful memories of his/her time with the Magdalene Sisters flooded back to his/her (and the river flooded thanks to that dam beaver Anne Gyna) s/he made a dash for the nearest wormhole which transported him/her straight back to Howth Castle.

Once in Howth s/he decided to visit Gay Byrne but realized he had defected to Ballsbridge, the bastard. Instead, s/he got a DART into Connolly Station and went to visit the Pro-Cathedral where, without realising, s/he came across the very baptismal font that had been used to break down the door of Mrs. Kelly's Olde Knockin' Shoppe in 1925 where his/her poor mother had been killed. Does s/he know his/her true heritage? We're not sure just yet. Anyway, after almost coming close to finding out thanks to the old sacristan, s/he fled the Pro on the sacristan's death to buy some knickers in Boyers and curtains in Guineys like a true aul'fella/one, though we would be hoping aul'fellas wouldn't be buying knickers, or curtains for that matter.

After that, his/her attention was grabbed by the ad for gee transplants on the side of the bus that knocked down Trevor Sargent on his bike. In search of information on gee transplants, s/he came to the Mater Hospital where s/he was referred to the bumbling Dr More, who after much coaxing gave him/her an information leaflet on gee transplants. When this information proved unsatisfactory, s/he ran to Knobs & Knockers of Nassau Street only to discover that they couldn't help either. Once again that gallant homosexual Rufus came to his/her rescue with the help of a gay pride parade and some ridiculously camp choreography. Among Rufus's legion of gay dancers s/he discovered none other than the gay guy (from gay guy & straight, etc.) who addressed him/her as his long-lost love Jeremy with whom he had lived in Papua New Guinea before he was relocated to Chicago during the Depression. We also don't know how he got from Chicago to Nassau Street, and neither do we know how Mr(s). Henderson got from the Magdalene witches to Broadway to Ballymena to North America and to Papua New Guinea somewhere in between. We did know that s/he went Down Under at some stage, but we thought that was just a euphemism.

What will happen to our heros and hero(ine)s? Get the fuck down the stairs and we'll tell you later. Mickey!

TO BE CONTINUED.

Beaverial Transfiguration

Those of you who are familiar with good old Mr(s). Henderson will be aware that in the course of his/her travels she/he came into contact with a mysterious beaver known by the name Anne Gyna. Now you all thought that angina was something aul'ones take tablets for, but you've got another thing coming, because it's actually a beaver. So there.

However, the story of Anne Gyna is, just like all the other tangential characters on this Homeric odyssee of a blog, filled with intrigue and heartbreak. Well, not quite, but you get the drift regardless. In the days when Lyinda McCartney was still alive and kicking she was very clever and decided to use a little bit of the GMO in her very intelligent vegetatian food, which of course has absolutely nothing to do with W.E. Gladstone. But that's beside the point, and so is that. Anyway, Lyinda got into terrible trouble for using all them bold things and had to revert to good old vegetables. When I became a vegetarian first she was all the rage, but she's dead now so nobody cares about her. So much for all that healthy eating bollocks.

Which brings us back by a commodius &c. to Anne Gyna. Now, Anne Gyna was in her day known as Mary-Teresa McNulty, a nice Nordy Catholic woman who in her younger days was a good old hippy and was into Greenpeace and all that shite. Yes, keep with us for a moment. Mary-Teresa was such a good vegetarian that she decided to go off and join Lyinda McCartney's band of veggie pirates sailing the North Sea in search of oil. Sorry, wait a second. Mary-Teresa went and worked in Lyinda's veggie food factory, which was great.

However, one day she realized that they were using the bold GMO things, and so phoned Lyinda to confront her. Lyinda, however, was busy picking her nose ("eating her greens" like a good veggie), and so put her on hold, after which poor Mary-Teresa went insane from listening to five seconds of the Wings recording of "Mull of Kintyre". They brought her to Room 101 where she was confronted with her worst fear, beavers. When faced with the big-toothed furry things (beavers, not Cilla Black) she confessed to a multitude of things, that she was the one who put the GMO into the sausages (mickeys*) and that it was she who caused the Beatles to break up, not that bloody Japanese woman who sat in the corner while Elton John played his pee-pee-peeanoe. After sending poor Mary-Teresa completely insane, Lyinda and Paul's evil henchmen left her on her own with the beavers. In an effort to put herself out of this torture she reached for a box of pills left cleverly on the table and took seventeen of them. It turned out that they were Paul's angina tablets, considering he's an aul'one and all. For some inexplicable reason, this severe overdose of glycerol tri-nitrate (GTN, which has nothing to do with GNT or GMO or GOM, amazingly) caused Mary-Teresa to immediately take on a beaver-like form. See, exquisite style once more. Just for a laugh, the other beavers christened her Anne Gyna because she became one of them due to her overdose of angina tablets. How original. However, it wasn't all bad, as Anne (as we now call her) soon forgot her previous beaverophobia and quickly became an expert at building dams. And best of all she lost that fucking Nordy accent. Harr harr.

So there you have it, Anne Gyna in a nutshell, if you'll excuse the pun.

(*Obligatory mickey-mention.)