WAIT A MINUTE...!

The last time we left gallant Mr(s). Henderson we had just been confronted with the shock revelation that s/he was actually Jeremy, the long-lost lover of the gay guy (as in the gay guy and straight guy). Confused? I wouldn't blame you.

So in true sonata-allegro style, let us have a brief recapitulation, which I promise will be nothing more than a condensed and tonally modified repeat of the exposition.

Somewhere along the way we learned of Mr(s). Henderson's roots. She was the bastard child of a prostitute who worked in Mrs. Kelly's Olde Knockin' Shoppe and who was killed in the Battle of Monto, 1925. The Legion of Mary exacted holy retribution on the poor little child by cutting off his (yes, his) mickey with the Holy Knife of Padre Pio and sending him/her into the care of the Magdalene Sisters. S/he eventually discovered how she was different when one of the evil nuns waz just abou' to wash her gee an' seen she hadn't even go' wan, an' it looked like she used to have a mickey.

So there we are. We do not know what happened between this incident somewhere around 1930 and the present day, which is somewhere in time between 1970 and 1998 (we just haven't decided yet).

We were first told that Mr(s). Henderson was a manwoman, but not a womanman. Therefore we can assume that s/he is more of a man, even though s/he appears to consider him/herself as a woman. S/he starred in that terrible adaptation of Roger Rabbit which flopped on Broadway, and then moved to Ballymena and worked as a tailor(ess) for J. Asha's sweatshop. S/he tried to get married to Jim Bartley who used to be Bela in Fair City, but it didn't work because the Nordy laws wouldn't allow it for all sorts of complicated reasons.

When this failed to work out, Mr(s). Henderson began roaming the plains of North America searching for something called Love, with the help of his/her beaver friend Anne Gyna. Somehow whilst floating along the Miss'hippy Mr(s). Henderson and Anne Gyna came upon a luminous pink castle which just so happened to be inhabited by Rufus Wainwright, who took a rather homosexual shine to our hero(ine) Mr(s). Henderson. As the painful memories of his/her time with the Magdalene Sisters flooded back to his/her (and the river flooded thanks to that dam beaver Anne Gyna) s/he made a dash for the nearest wormhole which transported him/her straight back to Howth Castle.

Once in Howth s/he decided to visit Gay Byrne but realized he had defected to Ballsbridge, the bastard. Instead, s/he got a DART into Connolly Station and went to visit the Pro-Cathedral where, without realising, s/he came across the very baptismal font that had been used to break down the door of Mrs. Kelly's Olde Knockin' Shoppe in 1925 where his/her poor mother had been killed. Does s/he know his/her true heritage? We're not sure just yet. Anyway, after almost coming close to finding out thanks to the old sacristan, s/he fled the Pro on the sacristan's death to buy some knickers in Boyers and curtains in Guineys like a true aul'fella/one, though we would be hoping aul'fellas wouldn't be buying knickers, or curtains for that matter.

After that, his/her attention was grabbed by the ad for gee transplants on the side of the bus that knocked down Trevor Sargent on his bike. In search of information on gee transplants, s/he came to the Mater Hospital where s/he was referred to the bumbling Dr More, who after much coaxing gave him/her an information leaflet on gee transplants. When this information proved unsatisfactory, s/he ran to Knobs & Knockers of Nassau Street only to discover that they couldn't help either. Once again that gallant homosexual Rufus came to his/her rescue with the help of a gay pride parade and some ridiculously camp choreography. Among Rufus's legion of gay dancers s/he discovered none other than the gay guy (from gay guy & straight, etc.) who addressed him/her as his long-lost love Jeremy with whom he had lived in Papua New Guinea before he was relocated to Chicago during the Depression. We also don't know how he got from Chicago to Nassau Street, and neither do we know how Mr(s). Henderson got from the Magdalene witches to Broadway to Ballymena to North America and to Papua New Guinea somewhere in between. We did know that s/he went Down Under at some stage, but we thought that was just a euphemism.

What will happen to our heros and hero(ine)s? Get the fuck down the stairs and we'll tell you later. Mickey!

TO BE CONTINUED.

SO LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR GEE TRANSPLANT

1. WHAT IS A GEE TRANSPLANT?

A gee transplant is a simple operation in which a lady's gee is replaced with another lady's gee (or alternatively an artificial gee). It's virtually painless and can be performed under local anaesthetic in about ten minutes.

2. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO BUY AN OSTRICH?

Reasons for having gee transplants vary. Many ladies find that with age their gee works less and less. In some cases gees may be worn out due to wear and tear. In other cases gees are inconvenient in size and shape. Whatever your reasons for having a gee transplant, be confident that your doctor will be with you all the way.

But what about me? wondered Mr(s). Henderson as s/he desperately scanned the pages searching for an answer to his/her desperate question. There was no mention of mickeys at all. Clearly gee transplants were only for ladies who already had gees...

How on earth could s/he have a gee transplant if s/he never had a gee in the first place? Poor Mr(s). Henderson. Perhaps s/he'd never have a gee after all...

In a last ditch attempt to find the answer to his/her question, Mr(s). Henderson lifted up his/her skirt and made a dash straight for Nassau Street. Once there, s/he ran straight into that well-named shop, Knobs & Knockers. The old man behind the counter wearing the cheeky t-shirt was startled at Mr(s). Henderson's sudden appearance and gazed at him/her with surprise.

"Yes dear?" he said eventually.

"I want a gee," said Mr(s). Henderson flatly and slightly out of breath.

"Excuse me?" replied the man, startled.

"A gee."

"Gee...I'm sorry dear, but this is Knobs & Knockers. You're looking for Gees & Gooters, which is in Fizbra."

"What? You mean I ran all the way here for nothing?" said Mr(s). Henderson, clearly frustrated. "Well, well,...that's a load of mickey!"

"Excuse me, madam," said the old man gesturing to an old lady who had collapsed on the other side of the shop, "but you're disturbing our other customers."

"...MICKEY!" shouted Mr(s). Henderson suddenly.

Just then from nowhere, Rufus Wainwright appeared kitted out with fairy wings and feathers stuck up his arse, followed by an entire gay pride parade marching down the street. Rufus pranced into Knobs & Knockers admiring the knobs as he went and put his arm around Mr(s). Henderson.

"Darling, don't get in such a tizzy. Come to Berlen with me and my happy homos."

"Queers! Queers! Reverse! Reverse!" shouted the old man behind the counter suddenly, as he morphed into Father Jack.

"Oh, do behave," said Rufus calmly as he waved his magic wand (!) and made the aul'fella disappear in a poof of smoke, if you'll pardon the pun. With another flick of his wrist the shop was suddenly transformed into a stage lit by dimmed pink lights and the entire parade began to dance around Rufus and Mr(s). Henderson in circles. This can't be happening, thought Mr(s). Henderson to him/herself. Then for some reason, s/he recognized the gay guy (as in the gay guy and straight guy) amongst all the dancing queers. Slow motion and crossed looks.

"O, Jeremy!" he shouted to him/her. "It really is you!"