St Benedildo’s College, Chill Mo Chuda

If you want a vision of hell, go to the Stillorgan Luas station on a windy Wednesday morning. It’s not even in Stillorgan. It’s lawless out there. The wolves walk around the place wearing those blue stripey shirts with white collars that Sean Fitzpatrick et al wore during the Celtic Tiger. Some people have pink hair. Some people eat chicken-fillet wraps wrapped in a further layer of cling-film. Think of the children Joe. They don’t even have velcro here, Joe. How’s the childerints supposed to be fastening thezzir shoe-laces Joe? It’s cridiminal, so it is.

You can smell the poor people a mile away. They pretend they’re going to work at Vodaphone [sic.], but no real job starts at ten in the morning. Narrow windows. Nothing else but to curtain-twitch.

Gallop your gee to Fanny. Make a clock with your cock, and dwell forever in detached suburban grimness, occasionally driving your Volkswagen Beetle down to Centra for a plastic-packed tikka masala. It’s like being in America, only with less nuclear power and more heroin. Happy children playing together in school. They’ll be dead eventually, like ourselves. Sinné Fianna Fáil, atá ag dul go bás.

Whatever you're having yourself

As part of Fine Gael's magnificent several-point-plan to Get Ireland Working, a new national industry has been created, through which many millions will be pleasured.

Every home in Ireland will shortly receive a new dildo, hand-made from peat from genuine Irish bog. The dildos have been made lovingly in Co. Clare by a lady in a shawl who looks like Peig Sayers. Each dildo comes emblazoned with a pencil-drawn image of Hibernia, in the guise of that very famous American, Lady Lavatory, who used be on the pound notes.

The stated purpose of these dildos is to take pressure off the government: now everyone can fuck themselves to save the government having to do it. As a result of this cleverness, taxpayers' money will be saved in droves and rediverted to such useful purposes as RTÉ comedy, filling up cracks in roads in and around Rathfarnham, Dublin Fourteen, deporting refugees, and not looking after homeless people.

A launch event for this new scheme will take place in Collins Barracks hosted by Gay Byrne, who is still not dead. There will be (quite literally) one for everyone in the audience.

Enda Kenny and toilets.

The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has suggested the economy is going down the toilet in toto. He is suggesting that is a level of indebtedness that is simply out of kilter with everybody else. We will still be the third lowest-----

Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet”.

The Taoiseach: -----in the euro area for total level of indebtedness.

Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.

The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has been saying-----

(Interruptions).

An Ceann Comhairle: Please allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.

The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continuously coming into this House----

Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach should keep away from the toilets.

Deputy Noel Dempsey: That is about the level of the Deputy’s intellect.

(Interruptions).

Deputy Enda Kenny: How is the Deputy’s friend, Mr. McKevitt, today?

Deputy Ulick Burke: He wants to take a break.

An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.

The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continually coming into this House suggesting that there are no prospects for this economy. I am making it very clear that the-----

Deputy James Reilly: Not under the Taoiseach’s tutorage.

Deputy Enda Kenny: Forget about the toilet. What about a-----

The Taoiseach: Are we going to have a debate or an infantile, childish-----

An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue please.

The Taoiseach: Let us have a serious debate.

An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption.

The Taoiseach: The people have spoken. They want to us talk about the future and the seriousness of the situation.

Deputy Alan Shatter: The Taoiseach should tell us how he created the structural deficit.

The Taoiseach: Let us have a chat about it. Let us discuss it. With respect, I listened to what others had to say and I expect them to do the same for me.

Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.

The Taoiseach: The Deputy is saying he did not mention the word “toilet” to me. He is coming into this House week in and week out, saying that the banks are banjaxed and everything else is banjaxed and that the whole country is going down the tubes.

Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: They are.

The Taoiseach: That is the Deputy’s contention.

Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: The Taoiseach is banjaxed.

Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach was not on the streets. He does not know.

The Taoiseach: I do know-----

An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption please.

Deputy Noel Dempsey: Have some manners.

LOL.

Deputy Enda Kenny: -----going from disaster to disaster. The best way to provide stability and to grapple with our country’s problems would be to let the people decide whose programme they like best, whose programme will solve the nation’s problems and which party-----

Deputy Noel Dempsey: Fine Gael does not have one.

(Interruptions).

An Ceann Comhairle: Deputy Kenny without interruption.

Deputy Dermot Ahern: Fine Gael cannot produce one.

Deputy Brian Lenihan: Páipéar.

Deputy Bernard J. Durkan: Easy, lads.

Happy Birthday Garret

Have an ice-cream to celebrate.