Origin Myth of the Bram, a History of the Bram & letter of resignation from Bram

Origin Myth of the Bram

The following is a pseudo-history of the Bram, as written by Martin Luther after actually reading the Bible. After much scholarly revision of the material from the early Irish historic period, this tale fits into the Cycle of the Kings classification. It is known as The Book of Hendy.

Mr(s). Henderson was the grand-daughter of Noah, the sole survivor of the Great Flood. After combining with the Vikings of the Hebrides, Dublin ands Waterford (all quite miffed after losing the Battle of Clontarf), Hendy took the Kingship of Tara and ate a white mare after killing, fucking and sharing it out among his/her kinsmen (Jeremy of Connaght and Rufusonium of the Columban church of Linndisfarne). Hendy’s lineage continues straight and pure until the invasion of the Green Party from the islands of the north where they studied the arts of war, magic and the crafts. The Green Party made an alliance with the McQuids, of the land over the seas, by way of the marriage between the kings’ children. The bride-price was paid with the land afforded by the Green Party being given to the McQuids. A fort was built by the Green Party for the McQuids. The Hendersons were driven from their lands and replaced in the north of the island in special reserves (the borders of which would later be used by the Boundary Commission to create the territory of the State of Northern Ireland as led by Liam Neeson and Martin McGuinness of James’ Gate). The Green Party-McQuaid majority government of the island extracted tribute from the Hendersons and taxed their smoke, feet, heat, streets and their Apple Records. Dissension existed within the ruling classes but they maintained supremacy by rigid oppression. The ritualistic beating and ill-treatment of the Hendy children was widespread. It would later become a key-stone policy of state and non-state organisations.

…to be continued… (Please fill in below.)

This tale ends here rather suddenly. Eight empty folios are found after the end. They were presumably to be used by future storytellers/ historians.

A History of the Bram

‘The Bram aims to reunite the Irish people under common comedic values. While the Bram treasures its members’ individual identity it will not discriminate on any grounds of identity.’ –the Constitution of the Bram (1937)

In the early days, Douglas Hyde proved, using the analytical techniques of many academic disciplines, that de-Anglicisation of Ireland was needed. Hyde drew attention to one example—RTÉ showing Jimmy Carr’s stand-up shows in the theatres of Shrewsbury Avenoo. Even the mild Anglo-Irish gentry thought he was a flange sponge cake.

The Marquis de Bram (Bram being the next town along the east-bound main road from Bodenstown where T. Wolfetone was busy setting up the United Irishmen, writing bad ballads to be sung form the 1960s onwards and getting his private regions rubbed by Hispanic tourists for good luck) was a good friend of D. de hÍde and an avid believer of de-Anglicising the Irish.

At the height of C. S. Parnell’s fame (as he battled for a good woman, finding many a strange one and finally settling on an English whore—pity really, but it did make for a cracking period drama as broadcast by ITV on Boxing Day 1985) and successful career, around the time of the ‘new departure’, the Marquis de Bram called for the creation of an organisation to petition RTÉ to remove Carr from their Tuesday night schedule. After appearing on the ‘Midday’ show on TV3 and speaking on Matt Cooper’s radio show a boards.ie discussion showed the Marquis that the people were in agreement. He called for a mass (monster, if you will) meeting on the Hill of Tara but cancelled it due to RIC intimidation. Instead he got into contact with Parnell (to primarily buy some granite to pave Bram Street, Dublin 1) to get the leaders of the various strata of Irish society to accept him as a friend on Facebook so they could organise a representative meeting without the hassle of twenty thousand followers descending on the Hill of Tara and disturbing the British Israelites as they searched for the Ark of the Covenant.

Status update: The Marquis de Bram is way excited about the meeting, lol!

1 New Event: De-Anglicising Meeting

Who? Host: the Marquis de Bram

Where? Table-tennis Room Miss Hayes Commercial Hotel, Thurles (Main Street, between Via Gesú and Thorpebank Road, Shepherd’s Bush. (The table-tennis table is foldable and will fit easily behind the main door. Please supply your own seating.)

When? 3 p.m. Saturday, 1st November, 1884.

Why? To reinvigorate the Irish sense of idiosyncratic, misplaced, inappropriate humour.

That was the day that the Irish Truly Funny Association for the Preservation of the National Humour (ITFAPCNH) was founded. The association’s name was roughly translated (and later impugned) into Irish as Cumann Luthcleas Gael.

At the meeting, the patrons were named and accepted. Each was asked to become patrons as they represented a section of Irish society—Rufus Wainwright (representing the gays, of course), David Kelly MEP (RIP) (bow-tie lovers), Gerry Ryan (the general Evening Herald reading masses) and Dr. Garret Fitzgerald (representing the children that would be affected by the up-coming Dublin insurrection of 1916).

Local legend has it that a larger number of persons were present at the meeting, including some well-known personalities. Folklore historians add to the supposed list of attendees every year. The potential list includes the following:

Field Marshal Horatio Herbert Kitchener, 1st Earl Kitchener
Tom Lehrer
Pat Ingoldsby
Nicky Brennan
Charles the First of England
Madonna
Father Ted Crilly
Émile Durkheim
Thomas Clarke
George Hook

The ITFAPCNH set up branches in any parish in Ireland that would have them. By the end of ’84, they had a following in the regional centres and other minor towns.

Secret comedic societies around the country watched with both dismay and delight as Irish humour was being given a public respectable face. At the town level of organisation, some groups were more successful than others at infiltrating the ITFACPNH. The Knock-Knock Jokes Club tried and failed at their attempt to get a prominent member elected to the Ennis Committee. The semi-militant Poshbastards Underground had a strong presence in the Association in the south-west and exerted much influence on the association’s monthly publications (source: Bureau of Military History Release XM120J5 1971).

At the foundation meeting in Thurles, the Marquis de Bram was unanimously appointed Life-Time Honorary President of the ITFAPCNH having brought the pieces together for such an association to be formed. On the event of his death, the association was renamed in his honour. It became known simply as the Bram and to this day the Marquis de Bram’s dream lives on through the activities and determination of the Bram’s members.

The Bram has founded the Bram Charity to further the cause of the child victims of mickey mutilation in the developed world. It has also proved itself able to flex its political muscles by showing support for Noel Browne in his mother and child scheme. When the scandal ended in the opposing favour, the Bram paid for Dr. Brown and his immediate family to take a recuperating holiday to a popular Greek island.

More recently, the Bram has sponsored the Love Irish Food campaign alongside Anne Doyle and has forwarded the work of Childline in people’s minds. The Bram itself receives sponsorship from Toyota and Avonmore. It also gratefully receives honorary grants form various American universities, including Yale and Columbia, for being so fucking hilarious.

The Bram, for most of its existence, has shown itself unified. Only once did a leadership struggle threaten the association. In 1985 a radical grouping within the National Assembly attempted to seize power and install a new constitution and value system of a very different direction. It was led by Tom Waits, Michael McDowell and Geraldine Kennedy. The group were defeated and left the Bram. After their leaving they found refuge in the fairy mounds of the midlands where they continued to influence Irish society, interacting with the human world on the festive quarter-days especially Samhain.



To Whom It May Concern:

Since the foundation of the State in late December 2007, I believe I have acted, as administrator and contributor, in good faith and in the best interest of the Bram.

However, as it is very fashionable to do so and with due regard to outstanding managerial, financial, administrative, temporal, economic, racial and legal issues, I hereby tender my resignation from all posts and positions I currently hold.

I have come to the regrettable conclusion that my continuing in office will only serve to distract from the important and vital work and the serious challenges that the Bram faces at this time.

I leave, confident that my department’s contribution will be remembered fondly and with due credit in any possible further use, whatever form of manipulation that may take.

The material up until this post in which I was involved (whether partially or wholly responsible for) can be accredited to the authors of the Bram, as of the eighth of March 2010, in a manner similar to that of the late Mr. John Lennon and Mr. Paul McCartney in alphabetic order separated by a forward slash. The one exception to this is this post; I would like to hold lone credit for it.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to persons (still alive at this time) that I have killed fictitiously in the running of this administration. I extend my apologies to all affected family and friends.

I would like to thanks the National Geographic magazine, the British Broadcasting Company, Raidió Teilifís Éireann, Blogger, Google, Bill Waterson, Tom Lehrer, Dublin City Council and the wonderfully friendly citizens of Love, Missouri, USA.

I extend my best wishes to the administration remaining and look forward to further cooperation in the House.

I leave you with some words that have soothed me in recent decadent times.

‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’
‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.
‘I don’t care where—’ said Alice.
‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.
‘—so long as I get somewhere,’ Alice added as an explanation.
‘Oh, you’re sure to do that,’ said the Cat, ‘if you only walk far enough.’

Carroll, Lewis. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (1994 edition) Penguin Books: London, pp. 74-5.

‘Don’t let us put the responsibility, the individual responsibility, upon anybody else. Let us take that responsibility and let us in God’s name abide by the decision.’

Michael Collins in a speech to Dáil Éireann, 19 December, 1921.
Aldous, Richard. Great Irish Speeches. (2007) Quercus: London, p.74.



Go raibh míle maith agaibh.