Six reasons why bringing back the Latin Mass is a bad idea.

1. No-one can speak Latin.

2. Priests can't actually speak Latin, and are probably just mumbling to themselves.

3. It's racist.

4. Women spend so much money on their hair nowadays, it'd be a shame for them to have to cover it up at Mass.

5. 'Corpus Christi.'
— 'Ye fuckin' wha'?'

Shauna and the Irony of a Same-Sex Relationship.

[Dear readers of Bram, this is a trial. This post is un-Bram. Testing testing. Thank you for your patience. Yours faithffully, Willie.]

They say we should learn from our mistakes. I sure did.

My name is Shauna and I'm a real-life lesbian. I say "real-life" for a reason. These days it's necessary. Since lesbianism became popular as a result of reality television (and girls' desire to look sexy in front of heterosexual men--attention-seeking whores) the once quite set lines of sexuality have become like a February morning--hazy.

This is the background to my tragedy. In short, I met a girl and fell in love with her. As my feelings for her continued to grow I learned that she wasn't a lesbian at all. She had a long-term boyfriend that had gone to Germany to study. Stuttgart to be precise.

I was drinking alone in a city centre pub one night when I met Janice my ex-(fake) girlfriend. She was out with her friends from work. It was a girls night out and they were drunk. They were guzzling vodka so I presumed they were straight until Janice came to talk to me. After asking my name she kissed me with much passion and tongue. Admittedly I did think it odd that she kept looking back at her friends who were laughing heartily. But that wasn't important then. Real female contact made me feel alive.

We started "dating" which consisted of going out with her friends to clubs, lots of passionate kissing and erotic dancing that attracted considerable attention. Of course I thought this was for me when it was really for the the six-foot hunk in the corner. This continued for a month or so until I felt so strongly for Janice that I told her I loved her. She laughed, ordered a bottle of Bacardi Breezer and started feeling up the next guy at the bar of the club we were in.

My mistake was, of course, trusting another woman. After my experience with Janice, I travelled a bit. I saw most of Australia. You could say I learned a lot and learned something directly from Janice. I'm now married to Matt and we live happily with our three children (two girls and one boy) in West Sussex.

Funny how things work out, huh?

Dinnertime in Heaven.

"Jay-sis!?"

"Wha'?"

"That's enough of that attitude with me Jay-sis! Did you answer your prayers today?"

"Go away, I'll did it after dinner."

"That's what you said yesterday and 400 people down there died from that disease that was killing all those chickens. St. Peter was down my neck last night about all the paper-work he has to do for new admissions. He had to stay back until seven o'clock, he did. I had to tell him you were planning an apparition somewhere. I can't keep making up excuses for you."

"Ah, fine, I'll do the prayers now."

(St. Anthony arrives at Mary's door. Knocking within.)

"Hello, Mary."

"Afternoon, Tony."

"I was wondering if you'd have a word with the Lord for me on behalf of a friend of mine. It's Joe in Balbriggin; he's lost his keys again. He's a good man and helps charities as much as he can."

"Ah, fuck, this is the third time he's after losing them in a month! Is is blind or what!?"

"Eh, he is actually. Fully blind. From birth too. Poor soul."

"Ah, Jay-sis."

(voice coming from living-room) "Wha'?"

(calling into the living-room) "I'll be into you in a minute. (to St. Anthony with a sigh) I'll see what I can do. The world is full of down-and-outs these days, Tony. That leads to a lot of prayers, you see. It's bleedin' overload at the moment. There's talk of privatisation going around. Keep your ear to the ground."

"O, I will, Mary. Thank you and God bless you."

[Aside] "I'm bloody well missing Cash in the Attic with all these saints."

A group of holy auld ones visit Mary. (knocking within)

"Hello" (answering the door, Mary sees a crowd of holy, kneeling, praying auld ones on the doorstep).

"Good day to you, the holiest woman, the mother of God and the commander-in-chief of our Legion."

"Oh, it's youz."

"Yes, Mother. We are here to pray to you to use your intercession to pray to God for the well-being of a nun in Buenos Aires. She's got a bad dose of whooping cough."

"Oh, in the name of the earth and all its plants and the like. All yez do is come and ask me for to use my connection with the big man. Intercession this, we ask for your intercession that. Yez are a bleedin' legion by name and my legion at that. I want some action. Instead of leaving that woman in bed and praying to me by her near to be death-bed, bring her to see the shaggin' doctor. He only lives next door. He'll give her some Calpol and she'll be grand by tea-time. The next time you find yourself picking up your rosary beads, think, "what can I do to help this situation without the intercession of the Virgin Mary?"

"Mary you are both kind and wise aswell as being the virgin mother of our Lord Jesus Christ. We will do as you say and take up arms the next time there's bad trouble in the Holy Land instead of asking for your intercession that someone else shoot all those bold children on the streets. Okay ladies, ready, 1, 2 and three. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord......."

(Mary slams the door and returns to the kitchen and leans wearily on the back of the closed door.)

"It sucks being the only person in heaven with a body."

Tom Lehrer Fail.

VYBE.

LOL! LOL! LOL!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vibrator_(sex_toy)

Particularly love the vibrator ad from 1910 and 'Vibrators for disabled people'. LOL!

Enda Kenny and toilets.

The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has suggested the economy is going down the toilet in toto. He is suggesting that is a level of indebtedness that is simply out of kilter with everybody else. We will still be the third lowest-----

Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet”.

The Taoiseach: -----in the euro area for total level of indebtedness.

Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.

The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has been saying-----

(Interruptions).

An Ceann Comhairle: Please allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.

The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continuously coming into this House----

Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach should keep away from the toilets.

Deputy Noel Dempsey: That is about the level of the Deputy’s intellect.

(Interruptions).

Deputy Enda Kenny: How is the Deputy’s friend, Mr. McKevitt, today?

Deputy Ulick Burke: He wants to take a break.

An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.

The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continually coming into this House suggesting that there are no prospects for this economy. I am making it very clear that the-----

Deputy James Reilly: Not under the Taoiseach’s tutorage.

Deputy Enda Kenny: Forget about the toilet. What about a-----

The Taoiseach: Are we going to have a debate or an infantile, childish-----

An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue please.

The Taoiseach: Let us have a serious debate.

An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption.

The Taoiseach: The people have spoken. They want to us talk about the future and the seriousness of the situation.

Deputy Alan Shatter: The Taoiseach should tell us how he created the structural deficit.

The Taoiseach: Let us have a chat about it. Let us discuss it. With respect, I listened to what others had to say and I expect them to do the same for me.

Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.

The Taoiseach: The Deputy is saying he did not mention the word “toilet” to me. He is coming into this House week in and week out, saying that the banks are banjaxed and everything else is banjaxed and that the whole country is going down the tubes.

Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: They are.

The Taoiseach: That is the Deputy’s contention.

Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: The Taoiseach is banjaxed.

Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach was not on the streets. He does not know.

The Taoiseach: I do know-----

An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption please.

Deputy Noel Dempsey: Have some manners.

LOL.

Deputy Enda Kenny: -----going from disaster to disaster. The best way to provide stability and to grapple with our country’s problems would be to let the people decide whose programme they like best, whose programme will solve the nation’s problems and which party-----

Deputy Noel Dempsey: Fine Gael does not have one.

(Interruptions).

An Ceann Comhairle: Deputy Kenny without interruption.

Deputy Dermot Ahern: Fine Gael cannot produce one.

Deputy Brian Lenihan: Páipéar.

Deputy Bernard J. Durkan: Easy, lads.

A prayer to gee.

O Gee with your teeth,
please stay away from my bed tonight:

I'm tired and don't want to be eaten by you
or any other member of the genital family.

Why do you haunt me with your unforgiving glances
and mystifying eyes?

Go now and haunt Bob Geldof.

A-women.

Graham and Edith's Naughty Half Hour.

Mr and Mrs Graham Whitethorpe, a fine couple of midfortysomethings who lived along Marlborough Road, Dublin 4. Being good Protestants as they were they went to church every Sunday and were of good standing in the community.

Now there is a rather unfair prejudice against Protestants that they're tightfisted cockmunchers. Of course, that's not true. However, a little story may illuminate you as to the ways of Mr and Mrs Whitethorpe as particular examples of the Protestant kind.

Graham and Edith had just had a romp one Friday evening as they were about to go sleep. Edith was rather tired and needed to be up in the morning in order to bake cakes for the Mothers' Union cake sale that Sunday afternoon, and so she turned around to go asleep. However, Graham had other ideas.

'Edie dear,' said Graham, 'would you fancy another bit of rumpy-pumpy?'

'Whatever for Graham darling? I must be up rather early in the morning to bake cakes. And Reverend Swann is coming over for elevenses!'

'Well, I just thought, while I have you here we might as well get our money's worth from this rubber. I mean, it did cost all of two pounds fifty, which I think you'll agree was a little bit on the steep side.'

'O, always the thrifty one Graham dear! Go ahead then darling.'

'Close your eyes and think of England, and I'll be done in two minutes.'

And so they had another bit of slap-and-tickle. However, the poor condom had given its money's worth already and gave up the ghost just as Graham was getting into the, er, swing of things. And so Edith had a child at the age of forty-six, which was terribly inconvenient for her career. But at least it gained her a little bit of credibility in the Mother's Union circles.

God love them, even though he probably doesn't love Protestants. A-women.