“Jeh ‘member when the 41c used leave from Eden Quay?” said one distinctive-looking aulfla’. In that he was distinctive, I mean that he was distinctively old.
“That I do, that I do,” replied a second accompanying aulfla’ and presumably an associate of the first. “And by the same token, jeh remember when Eden Quay (pronounce [ke] in IPA) wasn’t there at all at all?”
“What are on about now? Sure it’s always bin there. Wasn’t there. Would ye listen to yerself?!”
“As true and real as we’re sitting here (‘here’ being Insomnia coffee shop on Middle Abbey Street, Dublin 1), Eden Quay was only constructed about nine years ago. An’ now if ye don’t remember that, yer min’s goin’ places you’re not.”
“Sure, look, my Margaret’s dead now ten and a half years and it was there when she was walking the earth, God rest her kind soul. Are ye tryin’ to tell me that Eden Quay wasn’t there when she was?”
“You’re bang on. You were torn up by grief so you were, I remember it well. A fine woman she was and a fine wife I wouldn’t be shamed to have had if I was you. But the one think about her was that she never set eyes on Eden Quay. Let alone did she get the bus from it either.”
“Yer mad. Yer sayin’ they built it not ten years ago. An’ tell me this, what was there before this time in our glorious past when Eden Quay wasn’t there? Tell me that.”
“There was nuttin’ there o’ course. Sure isn’t it a river? Our own Liffey came all the way up as far as Liberty Hall and the Customs House down the road, or ‘down the river’ as we said then. Jeh not remember?”
“Your head’s done in for sure. The Liffey was up against the Customs House?!”
“Lapping up ‘gainst the windows, so it was. Y’kno little Johnny Sheridan’s father? Sure he worked for Local Govehment in the basement of the Customs House and he’d tell yeh that he’d drownded if someone left the latch off the air vent.”
“What’s Johnny Sheridan’s father got to do with any o’ dis? Look, don’t be telling me lies. You’re having me on an’ it’s not worth the time o’ day.”
“I can’t believe you don’t remember this. The Corpo were down there for months building on the quay and pushing the water back with great big machines and magnetic devices and the divil knows what. The achievement of the century they were calling it. Reclaiming Ireland for Dubliners they said. The bit of Ireland the Brits never ruled. Now, they didn’t make much use of it, I’ll tell yeh. A road an’ a few benches is all they put on it.”
“Like the Dutch?”
“Like the Dutch, wha’?”
“The Corpo reclaimed land from the sea like the Dutch?”
“No, no! They just sorta extended the city out about forty feet and put Eden Quay on it.”
“Are yeh sure?”
“It’s a Dublin fact,” said he in triumph. “Are yeh gettin’ another muffin?”
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Bramwanking.
Making up a bram on the spot and forgetting it before it can be brammed is exactly like wanking.
Think about it.
Think about it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Diarmuid agus Gráinne ag marcaíocht.
Lá amháin, bhí Diarmuid agus Gráinne amuigh sa gháirdín agus ní raibh aon éadaí orthu.
'A Dhiarmuid!' arsa Gráinne. 'Tar anseo agus tabhair sé dom!'
Bhí áthas an domhain ar Diarmuid agus bhí bata mór aige. Thóg sé a mhicí as a bhrístí agus chuir sé é i bhosca Gráinne.
'Ó Ó Ó Ó!' a scread Gráinne taréis cúpla nóiméad ag marcaíocht.
'Tá mé ag teacht!' arsa Diarmuid agus chríochnaigh sé taréis nóiméad amháin. Bhí áthas ar an bheirt agus thit siad ina gcodladh.
'A Dhiarmuid!' arsa Gráinne. 'Tar anseo agus tabhair sé dom!'
Bhí áthas an domhain ar Diarmuid agus bhí bata mór aige. Thóg sé a mhicí as a bhrístí agus chuir sé é i bhosca Gráinne.
'Ó Ó Ó Ó!' a scread Gráinne taréis cúpla nóiméad ag marcaíocht.
'Tá mé ag teacht!' arsa Diarmuid agus chríochnaigh sé taréis nóiméad amháin. Bhí áthas ar an bheirt agus thit siad ina gcodladh.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Six reasons why bringing back the Latin Mass is a bad idea.
1. No-one can speak Latin.
2. Priests can't actually speak Latin, and are probably just mumbling to themselves.
3. It's racist.
4. Women spend so much money on their hair nowadays, it'd be a shame for them to have to cover it up at Mass.
5. 'Corpus Christi.'
— 'Ye fuckin' wha'?'
2. Priests can't actually speak Latin, and are probably just mumbling to themselves.
3. It's racist.
4. Women spend so much money on their hair nowadays, it'd be a shame for them to have to cover it up at Mass.
5. 'Corpus Christi.'
— 'Ye fuckin' wha'?'
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Shauna and the Irony of a Same-Sex Relationship.
[Dear readers of Bram, this is a trial. This post is un-Bram. Testing testing. Thank you for your patience. Yours faithffully, Willie.]
They say we should learn from our mistakes. I sure did.
My name is Shauna and I'm a real-life lesbian. I say "real-life" for a reason. These days it's necessary. Since lesbianism became popular as a result of reality television (and girls' desire to look sexy in front of heterosexual men--attention-seeking whores) the once quite set lines of sexuality have become like a February morning--hazy.
This is the background to my tragedy. In short, I met a girl and fell in love with her. As my feelings for her continued to grow I learned that she wasn't a lesbian at all. She had a long-term boyfriend that had gone to Germany to study. Stuttgart to be precise.
I was drinking alone in a city centre pub one night when I met Janice my ex-(fake) girlfriend. She was out with her friends from work. It was a girls night out and they were drunk. They were guzzling vodka so I presumed they were straight until Janice came to talk to me. After asking my name she kissed me with much passion and tongue. Admittedly I did think it odd that she kept looking back at her friends who were laughing heartily. But that wasn't important then. Real female contact made me feel alive.
We started "dating" which consisted of going out with her friends to clubs, lots of passionate kissing and erotic dancing that attracted considerable attention. Of course I thought this was for me when it was really for the the six-foot hunk in the corner. This continued for a month or so until I felt so strongly for Janice that I told her I loved her. She laughed, ordered a bottle of Bacardi Breezer and started feeling up the next guy at the bar of the club we were in.
My mistake was, of course, trusting another woman. After my experience with Janice, I travelled a bit. I saw most of Australia. You could say I learned a lot and learned something directly from Janice. I'm now married to Matt and we live happily with our three children (two girls and one boy) in West Sussex.
Funny how things work out, huh?
They say we should learn from our mistakes. I sure did.
My name is Shauna and I'm a real-life lesbian. I say "real-life" for a reason. These days it's necessary. Since lesbianism became popular as a result of reality television (and girls' desire to look sexy in front of heterosexual men--attention-seeking whores) the once quite set lines of sexuality have become like a February morning--hazy.
This is the background to my tragedy. In short, I met a girl and fell in love with her. As my feelings for her continued to grow I learned that she wasn't a lesbian at all. She had a long-term boyfriend that had gone to Germany to study. Stuttgart to be precise.
I was drinking alone in a city centre pub one night when I met Janice my ex-(fake) girlfriend. She was out with her friends from work. It was a girls night out and they were drunk. They were guzzling vodka so I presumed they were straight until Janice came to talk to me. After asking my name she kissed me with much passion and tongue. Admittedly I did think it odd that she kept looking back at her friends who were laughing heartily. But that wasn't important then. Real female contact made me feel alive.
We started "dating" which consisted of going out with her friends to clubs, lots of passionate kissing and erotic dancing that attracted considerable attention. Of course I thought this was for me when it was really for the the six-foot hunk in the corner. This continued for a month or so until I felt so strongly for Janice that I told her I loved her. She laughed, ordered a bottle of Bacardi Breezer and started feeling up the next guy at the bar of the club we were in.
My mistake was, of course, trusting another woman. After my experience with Janice, I travelled a bit. I saw most of Australia. You could say I learned a lot and learned something directly from Janice. I'm now married to Matt and we live happily with our three children (two girls and one boy) in West Sussex.
Funny how things work out, huh?
Friday, July 3, 2009
Dinnertime in Heaven.
"Jay-sis!?"
"Wha'?"
"That's enough of that attitude with me Jay-sis! Did you answer your prayers today?"
"Go away, I'll did it after dinner."
"That's what you said yesterday and 400 people down there died from that disease that was killing all those chickens. St. Peter was down my neck last night about all the paper-work he has to do for new admissions. He had to stay back until seven o'clock, he did. I had to tell him you were planning an apparition somewhere. I can't keep making up excuses for you."
"Ah, fine, I'll do the prayers now."
(St. Anthony arrives at Mary's door. Knocking within.)
"Hello, Mary."
"Afternoon, Tony."
"I was wondering if you'd have a word with the Lord for me on behalf of a friend of mine. It's Joe in Balbriggin; he's lost his keys again. He's a good man and helps charities as much as he can."
"Ah, fuck, this is the third time he's after losing them in a month! Is is blind or what!?"
"Eh, he is actually. Fully blind. From birth too. Poor soul."
"Ah, Jay-sis."
(voice coming from living-room) "Wha'?"
(calling into the living-room) "I'll be into you in a minute. (to St. Anthony with a sigh) I'll see what I can do. The world is full of down-and-outs these days, Tony. That leads to a lot of prayers, you see. It's bleedin' overload at the moment. There's talk of privatisation going around. Keep your ear to the ground."
"O, I will, Mary. Thank you and God bless you."
[Aside] "I'm bloody well missing Cash in the Attic with all these saints."
A group of holy auld ones visit Mary. (knocking within)
"Hello" (answering the door, Mary sees a crowd of holy, kneeling, praying auld ones on the doorstep).
"Good day to you, the holiest woman, the mother of God and the commander-in-chief of our Legion."
"Oh, it's youz."
"Yes, Mother. We are here to pray to you to use your intercession to pray to God for the well-being of a nun in Buenos Aires. She's got a bad dose of whooping cough."
"Oh, in the name of the earth and all its plants and the like. All yez do is come and ask me for to use my connection with the big man. Intercession this, we ask for your intercession that. Yez are a bleedin' legion by name and my legion at that. I want some action. Instead of leaving that woman in bed and praying to me by her near to be death-bed, bring her to see the shaggin' doctor. He only lives next door. He'll give her some Calpol and she'll be grand by tea-time. The next time you find yourself picking up your rosary beads, think, "what can I do to help this situation without the intercession of the Virgin Mary?"
"Mary you are both kind and wise aswell as being the virgin mother of our Lord Jesus Christ. We will do as you say and take up arms the next time there's bad trouble in the Holy Land instead of asking for your intercession that someone else shoot all those bold children on the streets. Okay ladies, ready, 1, 2 and three. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord......."
(Mary slams the door and returns to the kitchen and leans wearily on the back of the closed door.)
"It sucks being the only person in heaven with a body."
"Wha'?"
"That's enough of that attitude with me Jay-sis! Did you answer your prayers today?"
"Go away, I'll did it after dinner."
"That's what you said yesterday and 400 people down there died from that disease that was killing all those chickens. St. Peter was down my neck last night about all the paper-work he has to do for new admissions. He had to stay back until seven o'clock, he did. I had to tell him you were planning an apparition somewhere. I can't keep making up excuses for you."
"Ah, fine, I'll do the prayers now."
(St. Anthony arrives at Mary's door. Knocking within.)
"Hello, Mary."
"Afternoon, Tony."
"I was wondering if you'd have a word with the Lord for me on behalf of a friend of mine. It's Joe in Balbriggin; he's lost his keys again. He's a good man and helps charities as much as he can."
"Ah, fuck, this is the third time he's after losing them in a month! Is is blind or what!?"
"Eh, he is actually. Fully blind. From birth too. Poor soul."
"Ah, Jay-sis."
(voice coming from living-room) "Wha'?"
(calling into the living-room) "I'll be into you in a minute. (to St. Anthony with a sigh) I'll see what I can do. The world is full of down-and-outs these days, Tony. That leads to a lot of prayers, you see. It's bleedin' overload at the moment. There's talk of privatisation going around. Keep your ear to the ground."
"O, I will, Mary. Thank you and God bless you."
[Aside] "I'm bloody well missing Cash in the Attic with all these saints."
A group of holy auld ones visit Mary. (knocking within)
"Hello" (answering the door, Mary sees a crowd of holy, kneeling, praying auld ones on the doorstep).
"Good day to you, the holiest woman, the mother of God and the commander-in-chief of our Legion."
"Oh, it's youz."
"Yes, Mother. We are here to pray to you to use your intercession to pray to God for the well-being of a nun in Buenos Aires. She's got a bad dose of whooping cough."
"Oh, in the name of the earth and all its plants and the like. All yez do is come and ask me for to use my connection with the big man. Intercession this, we ask for your intercession that. Yez are a bleedin' legion by name and my legion at that. I want some action. Instead of leaving that woman in bed and praying to me by her near to be death-bed, bring her to see the shaggin' doctor. He only lives next door. He'll give her some Calpol and she'll be grand by tea-time. The next time you find yourself picking up your rosary beads, think, "what can I do to help this situation without the intercession of the Virgin Mary?"
"Mary you are both kind and wise aswell as being the virgin mother of our Lord Jesus Christ. We will do as you say and take up arms the next time there's bad trouble in the Holy Land instead of asking for your intercession that someone else shoot all those bold children on the streets. Okay ladies, ready, 1, 2 and three. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord......."
(Mary slams the door and returns to the kitchen and leans wearily on the back of the closed door.)
"It sucks being the only person in heaven with a body."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
LOL! LOL! LOL!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vibrator_(sex_toy)
Particularly love the vibrator ad from 1910 and 'Vibrators for disabled people'. LOL!
Particularly love the vibrator ad from 1910 and 'Vibrators for disabled people'. LOL!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Enda Kenny and toilets.
The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has suggested the economy is going down the toilet in toto. He is suggesting that is a level of indebtedness that is simply out of kilter with everybody else. We will still be the third lowest-----
Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet”.
The Taoiseach: -----in the euro area for total level of indebtedness.
Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.
The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has been saying-----
(Interruptions).
An Ceann Comhairle: Please allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.
The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continuously coming into this House----
Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach should keep away from the toilets.
Deputy Noel Dempsey: That is about the level of the Deputy’s intellect.
(Interruptions).
Deputy Enda Kenny: How is the Deputy’s friend, Mr. McKevitt, today?
Deputy Ulick Burke: He wants to take a break.
An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.
The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continually coming into this House suggesting that there are no prospects for this economy. I am making it very clear that the-----
Deputy James Reilly: Not under the Taoiseach’s tutorage.
Deputy Enda Kenny: Forget about the toilet. What about a-----
The Taoiseach: Are we going to have a debate or an infantile, childish-----
An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue please.
The Taoiseach: Let us have a serious debate.
An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption.
The Taoiseach: The people have spoken. They want to us talk about the future and the seriousness of the situation.
Deputy Alan Shatter: The Taoiseach should tell us how he created the structural deficit.
The Taoiseach: Let us have a chat about it. Let us discuss it. With respect, I listened to what others had to say and I expect them to do the same for me.
Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.
The Taoiseach: The Deputy is saying he did not mention the word “toilet” to me. He is coming into this House week in and week out, saying that the banks are banjaxed and everything else is banjaxed and that the whole country is going down the tubes.
Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: They are.
The Taoiseach: That is the Deputy’s contention.
Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: The Taoiseach is banjaxed.
Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach was not on the streets. He does not know.
The Taoiseach: I do know-----
An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption please.
Deputy Noel Dempsey: Have some manners.
Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet”.
The Taoiseach: -----in the euro area for total level of indebtedness.
Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.
The Taoiseach: Deputy Kenny has been saying-----
(Interruptions).
An Ceann Comhairle: Please allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.
The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continuously coming into this House----
Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach should keep away from the toilets.
Deputy Noel Dempsey: That is about the level of the Deputy’s intellect.
(Interruptions).
Deputy Enda Kenny: How is the Deputy’s friend, Mr. McKevitt, today?
Deputy Ulick Burke: He wants to take a break.
An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue without interruption, please.
The Taoiseach: The Deputy has been continually coming into this House suggesting that there are no prospects for this economy. I am making it very clear that the-----
Deputy James Reilly: Not under the Taoiseach’s tutorage.
Deputy Enda Kenny: Forget about the toilet. What about a-----
The Taoiseach: Are we going to have a debate or an infantile, childish-----
An Ceann Comhairle: Allow the Taoiseach to continue please.
The Taoiseach: Let us have a serious debate.
An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption.
The Taoiseach: The people have spoken. They want to us talk about the future and the seriousness of the situation.
Deputy Alan Shatter: The Taoiseach should tell us how he created the structural deficit.
The Taoiseach: Let us have a chat about it. Let us discuss it. With respect, I listened to what others had to say and I expect them to do the same for me.
Deputy Enda Kenny: I never mentioned the word “toilet” at all.
The Taoiseach: The Deputy is saying he did not mention the word “toilet” to me. He is coming into this House week in and week out, saying that the banks are banjaxed and everything else is banjaxed and that the whole country is going down the tubes.
Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: They are.
The Taoiseach: That is the Deputy’s contention.
Deputy Fergus O’Dowd: The Taoiseach is banjaxed.
Deputy Enda Kenny: The Taoiseach was not on the streets. He does not know.
The Taoiseach: I do know-----
An Ceann Comhairle: The Taoiseach, without interruption please.
Deputy Noel Dempsey: Have some manners.
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